Showing posts with label FUNNY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FUNNY. Show all posts
Friday, January 3, 2014
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Definations
Definition of cigarette
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
definition of marriage
MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.
definition of lecture
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Definition of conference
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the number present
Definition of compromise
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Definition of TEARS
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
definition of dictionary
DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage
definition of conference room
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
definition of ecstasy
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling you have never felt before
definition of classic
CLASSIC:
A book which people praise,
but never read
definition of smile
SMILE:
A curve that can set
a lot of things straight!
definition of office
OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
definition of yawn
YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open their mouth
definition of etc
ETC:
A sign to make others believe
that you know more than
you actually do
definition of committee
COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do
nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together
definition of experience
EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes
definition of atom bomb
ATOMBOMB:
An invention to bring an end
to all inventions
definition of philosopher
PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself
during life, to be spoken of
when dead
definition of diplomat
DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you
to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
definition of opportunist
OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath
if he accidentally falls into a river
definition of optimist
OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling
from EIFFELTOWER
says in midway
"SEEI AM NOT INJURED YET!"
definition of pessimist
PESSIMIST:
A person who says that
O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY
definition of miser
MISER:
A person who lives poor
so that he can die RICH!
definition of father
FATHER:
A banker provided by nature
definition of criminal
CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other,
unless he gets caught
definition of boss
BOSS:
Someone who is early
when you are late
and late when you are early
definition of politician
POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand
before elections and your Confidence
Later
definition of doctor
DOCTOR:
A person who kills
your ills by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end and a fool at the other!
definition of marriage
MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.
definition of lecture
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
Definition of conference
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the number present
Definition of compromise
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Definition of TEARS
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
definition of dictionary
DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes before marriage
definition of conference room
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
definition of ecstasy
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling you have never felt before
definition of classic
CLASSIC:
A book which people praise,
but never read
definition of smile
SMILE:
A curve that can set
a lot of things straight!
definition of office
OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
definition of yawn
YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open their mouth
definition of etc
ETC:
A sign to make others believe
that you know more than
you actually do
definition of committee
COMMITTEE:
Individuals who can do
nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together
definition of experience
EXPERIENCE:
The name men give to their Mistakes
definition of atom bomb
ATOMBOMB:
An invention to bring an end
to all inventions
definition of philosopher
PHILOSOPHER:
A fool who torments himself
during life, to be spoken of
when dead
definition of diplomat
DIPLOMAT:
A person who tells you
to go to hell in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
definition of opportunist
OPPORTUNIST:
A person who starts taking bath
if he accidentally falls into a river
definition of optimist
OPTIMIST:
A person who while falling
from EIFFELTOWER
says in midway
"SEEI AM NOT INJURED YET!"
definition of pessimist
PESSIMIST:
A person who says that
O is the last letter in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY
definition of miser
MISER:
A person who lives poor
so that he can die RICH!
definition of father
FATHER:
A banker provided by nature
definition of criminal
CRIMINAL:
A guy no different from the other,
unless he gets caught
definition of boss
BOSS:
Someone who is early
when you are late
and late when you are early
definition of politician
POLITICIAN:
One who shakes your hand
before elections and your Confidence
Later
definition of doctor
DOCTOR:
A person who kills
your ills by pills,
and kills you
by his bills!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
This is hilarious!
This is hilarious! Be sure to read the warning at the bottom. I didn't change a word! I'm not messing with the Sex Fairy!
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
=============
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
=============
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
=============
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.
=============
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman
1. Working / Earning not mandatory.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.
3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.
4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.
5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.
6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.
7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.
8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.
9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips
11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.
12. Easy to get a ride.
13. Men hold the door open for us.
14. Jewels looks good on us.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.
25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
30. We can cry in public. Men cant.
31. We don't feel shy to cry.
32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. We know how to make up stories.
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Easy to make friendships.
51. Much easy to get a date.
52. Men have to be in uniform.
53. We can do makeup anywhere
54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.
67. We are always smart.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.
76. We can be late to the office.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.
87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.
88. Don't have to maintain great physique.
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.
95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.
96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!
10. Men take us on all expense paid trips
11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.
12. Easy to get a ride.
13. Men hold the door open for us.
14. Jewels looks good on us.
15. We lie better.
16. We're better manipulators.
17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.
18. We always have food in the fridge.
19. We don't worry about losing our hair.
20. We always get to choose the movie.
21. We don't have to mow the lawn.
22. We don't have to take out the garbage.
23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.
24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.
25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.
26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.
27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.
28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.
29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.
30. We can cry in public. Men cant.
31. We don't feel shy to cry.
32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.
33. Sweat is sexy on us.
34. We never run out of excuses.
35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.
36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.
37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.
38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.
39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.
40. Women are cleaner.
41. We know how to make up stories.
42. We're better arguers.
43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.
44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.
45. We're better parents.
46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.
47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.
48. We're flexible.
49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.
50. Easy to make friendships.
51. Much easy to get a date.
52. Men have to be in uniform.
53. We can do makeup anywhere
54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.
55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.
56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.
57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).
58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.
59. Better tips.
60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting
61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.
62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!
63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.
64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.
65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.
66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.
67. We are always smart.
68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.
69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.
70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.
71. Women sweat less.
72. Women smell better.
73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards
74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.
75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.
76. We can be late to the office.
77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.
78. We're better gossips.
79. We have better fashion sense.
80. We're better shoppers.
81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.
82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.
83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)
84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.
85. We don't have to drive when on a date.
86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.
87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.
88. Don't have to maintain great physique.
89. Women look better naked
90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.
91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.
92. Women do less time for violent crimes.
93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.
94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.
95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.
96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.
98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.
99. Women are sexier.
100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Professors of different subjects define kiss the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of uni*---**---**---*ual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Wives
1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:
All women are devils...
But my wife is QUEEN of them!
2.Man was sent on earth to suffer...
Women was sent to make sure it happens!
3. A man asked for poison.
Chemist refused, since it required prescription.
He showed his Marriage Certificate.
4. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,
And other is husband!
5. Husband Wife always compromise.
Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.
6. Husband wife had a long argument.
Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?
7. A man speaks 25000 words daily,
A woman speaks 30000 words.
Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000,
Wife starts her quota of 30000 words!
8. Boy: My dad is billionaire 93-years old.
He will die soon.
Will you marry me?
Girl: NO.
A week later she became his step-mother.
Moral: Don’t give ideas to girls.
9. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:
(1) to plant your idea in someone’s head,
(2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.
10. * He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;
* He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;
* The one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE;
* The one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!
11. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It Means-Worries Invited For Ever...
Wife: No; it means- With Idiot For Ever !!!
12. No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...
No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…
No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...
No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…
Natural Disasters just happen…!!!
13. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?
The Mafia wants either or money or life...
The wives want both!
14. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'
Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.
15. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!
16. Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.
Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!
17. Whisky is a brilliant invention…
One double and you start feeling single again.
18. A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.
He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.
19. American: In India, do you guys call your wives HONEY in your native language?
Indian: Oh no; we call them BEE-BEE… they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE…
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Education in India.
Education in India.
Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers.
The 'Second Class' pass, and then get MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class'.
The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and
Become Ministers and control both.
Last, but not the least,
The 'Failures' join the underworld and
control all the above.
And those who do not attend any school, become
Swamis and Gurus and Everyone goes to them.
If you husband is Software Programmer
Very hilarious
This is brilliant !!!!
INSTALLING HUSBAND.....
A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy..
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0,MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1 .
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems but it just doesn't seem to work.
What can I do?
Signed,........................
Reply...
DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Beer 6.1..
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
To summarize - 1.0 is a great program
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Madam!_
Monday, March 4, 2013
New Alphabet:
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now The Alphabet For Seniors:
A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus, bells in my ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow,
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have - in my mind!
Difference between Complete and Finished..
Difference between Complete and Finished..
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Account
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets
Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account
Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents
Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
Tension
The Moment you are in Tension,
You loose your Attention.
Then you are in total Confusion,
And you’ll feel Irritation.
This may Spoil your personal Relation.
Ultimately you won’t get Co operation,
And get things into Complication.
Then you may raise Caution,
And you have to take Medication.
Why not try understanding the Situation,
And try to think about our Solution.
Many Problems will be solved by Discussion,
This will work out better in your Profession.
Don’t think this is a free Suggestion,
It is only for your Prevention,
If you understand my Intention.
You will never come again into Tension.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Mens & Womens
Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
TEST AND RESPONSE
Test: In which battle did Napoleon die?
Response: His last battle
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Test: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Response: At the bottom of the page
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Test: River Ravi flows in which state?
Response: Liquid
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Test: What is the main reason for divorce?
Response: Marriage
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Test: What is the main reason for failure?
Response: Exams
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Test: What can you never eat for breakfast?
Response: Lunch and Dinner
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Test: What looks like half an apple?
Response: The other half
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Test: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Response: It will simply become wet
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Test: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Response: By sleeping at night.
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Test: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Response: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
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Test: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Response: Very large hands
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Test: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Response: No time at all, the wall is already built.
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Test: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Response: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Response: His last battle
Test: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Response: At the bottom of the page
Test: River Ravi flows in which state?
Response: Liquid
Test: What is the main reason for divorce?
Response: Marriage
Test: What is the main reason for failure?
Response: Exams
Test: What can you never eat for breakfast?
Response: Lunch and Dinner
Test: What looks like half an apple?
Response: The other half
Test: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Response: It will simply become wet
Test: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Response: By sleeping at night.
Test: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Response: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Test: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Response: Very large hands
Test: If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Response: No time at all, the wall is already built.
Test: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Response: Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Friday, December 14, 2012
tips for employees
Seven useful tips for employees for success and survival in the best way :
1. Bane raho pagla, kaam karega agla.
2. Bane raho dull, salary milegi full.
3. Jisne lee tension, uski wife ko mil gyi pension.
4. Kaam se daro nahi par kaam koi karo nahi.
5. Kaam karo ya na karo, kaam ki fikr jaroor karo.
6. Kamm ki fikr karo ya na karo, par boss se fikr ki zikr jaroor karo.
7. Jo kaam kare usko ungli karo aur jo naa kare uski chugli karo.
Be proud to be employee!!!!!!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Superb Definitions.
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes
of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
Monday, October 22, 2012
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes
before marriage
A place where divorce comes
before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before
CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read
which people praise,
but never read
SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!
that can set
a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth
ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions
to bring an end
to all
inventions
PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead
DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY
MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!
CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught
POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Funny Question
AN U ANSWER ANY OF D QUESTIONS????????
LETS SEE...............
Q. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )
Q. Ques - .SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)
Q- Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Tendulkar.
?
?
?why ?? why ?? :-
?
?
?
?
Tendulkar is an opener
Q. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'.
Which movie did he really want to see?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Dil Chhata Hai!
7 . Q: Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
?
Socho socho
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!
8. What will! u call a person who is leaving India??
?
?
?
Socho...............
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
9. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha.....................................
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
Answer) adidas
______________________________________
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